musing from the struggling "sublime" goddess # 4

the goddess of rough things

the goddess went to a funeral. a fish has died. and she went there because she had certain affinity with those creautres, maybe because She was one before. She who is soft and smooth from the start.

she walked awkwardly, the goddess of rough things, her gait showed that she was not familiar with walking. that her feet was mainly used for floating or swimming in the air. people looked at her, scrutinized her. her rough face, rough hair, rough hands, rough love. but she was there because the moon king was there. the one that she loved very dearly.

night came and they went to sleep. his back turned back at her. and the memory of Her stepped in.

how she loved to have Her warm body next to her. their feet intertwined like roots of old, old trees - unlike this, unlike them. her feet seeked warmth from the moon king. but he did not gave any of his warm light.

so unlike Her.

she looked sadly at him, he was almost soft and smooth all over, rough patches can now only be seen from his knees down. the sadness crashed into her, washed her, broke her. only a little time left with him. like Her, he too will leave behind the goddess of rough things. and she will be alone. just like everyone else. she will be

alone.

her tears suddenly washed her rough face. rough and smooth can never go together, she told herself. that's why she cannot love Her. that's why in a few more moments the moon king will leave her. because she cannot do anything to them anymore. no more rough edges to soften and smoothen. no more rough surfaces to make beautiful.

i will only make you bleed. she told the back of the moon king, her tears raining constantly on her rough face. just like what i did with Her.

musing from the struggling "sublime" goddess # 3

the goddess of rough things

she realized that indeed, she was the goddess of rough things during her bus ride to cavite. it started with the old and rough coins. after a few seconds of holding it in her hands, in her palms, it turned shiny and smooth. a little confused, she stared at the coins marveling at the almost mirror-like quality of its surface.

finally it dawned at her.

why she has a rough face, rough hair, rough hands, rough love, because she is the goddess of rough things. every thing that she touch will turn out to be newer, shinier and of course smoother.

so that's it, the reason why i cannot love her. she said to herself.

musing from the struggling "sublime" goddess # 2

hindi kita iiwanan hanggat di pa sigurado na makakatayo ka na ng ayos. dito lang ako ha? aantayin kong dumating yung araw na kaya mo ng tumalon mag-isa.

ano pa ang silbi ng mga salitang tinanggalan naman na ng kaluluwa. alam mo bang alam ko naman na pagkasabi mo pa lang hindi na ito totoo? isa-isang lumabas ang salita sa iyong bibig, isa-isang tumakas ang tunay na ibig sabihin.

(hindi

kita

iiwanan

hanggat

di

pa

sigurado

na

makakatayo

ka

na

ng

ayos.

dito

lang

ako

ha?

aantayin

kong

dumating

yung

araw

na

kaya

mo

ng

tumalon

mag-isa.)

sana hindi mo na lang sinabi.

musing from the struggling "sublime" goddess # 1

LUNGKOT

Kadalasan, bigla na lang lalapit ang lungkot sayo at pipilitin kang pansinin siya.

(Tumingin ka sa akin.
Makinig ka sa sinasabi ko.
Hindi mo ako matatakasan.)

Ganito niya ako dinatnan, habang tumitingin sa mga naipong lumang litrato natin. Masaya pa ako nung una, natatawa sa mga alaalang dala-dala ng mga ito ng biglang siyang pumasok.

(Lungkot.)

Paalis na ‘ko next week.

Yun na lang ang natatandaan ko sa mga sinasabi mo nung gabing ‘yon. Ang mga detalye ay parang nalunod na sa utak kong naglalangoy sa alak. E ano? Dati ka pa naman umalis di ba? Dati ka pang nang-iwan. Yun talaga ang naiisip kong isigaw sa’yo. Pero napigilan ko ang aking sarili, tulad ng lagi kong ginagawa.

At umalis ka nga - na hindi ko man lang nasabi ang sakit na nararamdaman ko, na hindi ka man lang nayakap.

Yakap.
Ya-kap.

Kailan ba kita unang nayakap? Oo nga pala, nuong gabi ng Baccalaureate Mass. Naalala ko pa ang mahigpit at alangan na pagdampi ng ating mga katawan, nagsusumigaw sa mga damdaming hindi naman natin masabi sa isa’t-isa. At ikaw pa nga ang nauna. Nabigla pa ako dahil hindi ka naman gan’on. Hindi naman tayo gan’on. Kung nabigyan lang ako ng pagkakataon sasabihin ko din sana na napakadaming beses na na gusto kitang yakapin, pero hindi ko nagawa. Dahil takot ako sa’yo. Oo, sa loob ng halos apat na taon nating pagsasama, takot pa din ako sa’yo. Takot akong mapahiya sa harap mo. Takot akong masaktan mo. Pero higit sa lahat, takot akong iwanan mo ulit.

Hindi ko lang masabi, pero kung pinakinggan mo talaga, maririnig mo naman, kahit na kilo-kilometro pa ang layo natin sa isa’t-isa. Mas lalo pa siguro kung iilang dangkal lang, tulad nung huling salo-salo natin, lamesa lamang ang pagitan. Biglang nagtama ang maiilap nating mata at dagli ding kumaripas papalayo sa isa’t-isa. Hindi ko tuloy lubos maisip kung papaano tayo nagkaganito -

Magkalayo.
Lumalayo.
Malayo.
Layo.

Layo. Pabulong kong sinabi at nilapitan ka ng salita. Dumaan, dumulas, kumapit - sa daliri, sa labi, sa mata, sa tainga, sa puso. Isang salita na bumalot sa atin, pinigilan tayong huminga.

At sa pagal kong kalagayan, wala akong nagawa - hinayaan lang kitang umalis.

Kaya eto ako, nakakatunganga sa harap ng mga litrato, sinasamahan ng lungkot.

remembering home # 1

i've always been attached to trees, maybe because my memory of home was full of trees. manga, guyabano, avocado, kape, niyog, bayabas, kamias, kakawati, lanzones, paminta - wow sobrang dami pala ng mga puno sa paligid ng bahay namin! gustong-gusto ko 'yon, yung gigising ka na may mga ibon at mga kuliglig na kumakanta sa'yo. tapos matatanaw mo sa bintana mo na blue na blue yung langit tapos medyo mahangin. that's the best kind of weather - sunny but windy. ito yung perfect na panahon para tumambay sa duyan.

duyan - it was a rope thingy like. colored white, nakatali sa pagitan ng dalawang puno ng lanzones. pag umuulan nililipat namin yun sa may kamalig (another word for bodega) para di mabasa. i was the youngest in the family for eleven years, so nung nag simula ng mag-school si mel (yung ate ko na one year ahead sa'kin), i was often left alone. pagala-gala sa paligid ng bahay namin. making up stories and talking to myself hehehe. the trees were my company. they provided me with the attention i needed. i was such an ugly duckling before, and the trees were good to me (hehe bitter). they don't say anything, they just listen - listen intently and sincerely.

i've never been this attached to trees before. trees were just trees. pero after a typhoon earlier this year (not milenyo i swear) everything in my world shifted. it started when i opened our backdoor and two fallen avocado trees greeted me. damn those avocado trees. they were a very big part of my childhood. i remember looking up at the trees and the unreachable fruits hanging from it. avocado na may gatas na may asukal, the best. then it suddenly hit me. everything that reminded me of home, of childhood, of family, of love, is slowly being erased from the face of the planet, but most of all from my memory.

it really started there. tapos nagsimula ko ng mapansin yung mga bagay na nawawala. yung mga suso na lagi naming inaapakan nung bata pa kami, na tingin ko kami ang may kasalanan kung bakit ubos na 'yon. mga gumamelang pula, mga tutubi, yung type of shrub na ang dami sa paligid ng bahay namin dati, yung mga kakawati, yung mga tao.

kung totoong hindi maiiwasan ang pagbabago, kelangan bang mawala lahat para lang masabing may pagbabago? 'yon lang ba ang basehan? hindi naman sa ayaw ko ng changes, in fact change was good to me, is still good to me (in a way). i have nothing against it really. hindi ko lang maintindihan kung bakit kelangan talagang i-phase out lahat. every little thing that will remind you of the golden years that is the 80's. growing up during this period was a surreal experience. and when you look back at it, it is surreal. everything is painted with a yellow golden tint - at least for me. don't get fooled by what i'm saying, life was not that good for us back then. we have little money but we have lots of love hehehe. and the heck with money! life was simple. and now i can only wish to have that simple complete loving life again - it was easier to breathe, it was easier to sleep back then.

mama and sabyang - flying away!

sana pwede na isigaw na lang lahat ng gusto nating isulat, sabihin, iniisip, para isang pasada lang - tapos! di ba, para naman hindi na tayo pinahihirapan ng pag-iisip.

lately, hindi na ako nakakatulog sa gabi, kakaisip ata. i'll feel sleepy around ten or eleven kung makakatulog man ako, wala, around two or three i'll be wide awake. as in wide awake. futile na ang pagbabakasakaling makakatulog ako ulit. i don't want to say that i have insomnia, god sobrang gasgas na nun, besides this sleeping schedule works for me. pwede pang manuod ng mga gigs, kwentuhan, inuman, walang problema di ba? ehehe adik.

mama and sabyang's gone. they left last saturday - the dreaded day, i was emotional as always. i still feel sad now, i wish i've hugged sabyang before she left. that will be the last time i'll see her like that. next year when she comes back, she'll be taller, maybe fatter, more beautiful and english speaking na! i think i don't like that. pero ganun talaga. baka mag bago na siya. not the sweet little girl i like having around pag walang topak, the simpsons addict, the vegetable eater, the one who likes snakes verrry much, the one who likes having wilson around so she can do things i won't allow her to do. sabyang, wala pa sa picture ang daddy niya. that makes it worse.

mama. it's her first time to leave us behind. she'll be gone for three to four months. ano kayang mangyayari sa'min?

next time i'll write about my four homes. that's a promise aye mate?