musing from the struggling "sublime" goddess # 4

the goddess of rough things

the goddess went to a funeral. a fish has died. and she went there because she had certain affinity with those creautres, maybe because She was one before. She who is soft and smooth from the start.

she walked awkwardly, the goddess of rough things, her gait showed that she was not familiar with walking. that her feet was mainly used for floating or swimming in the air. people looked at her, scrutinized her. her rough face, rough hair, rough hands, rough love. but she was there because the moon king was there. the one that she loved very dearly.

night came and they went to sleep. his back turned back at her. and the memory of Her stepped in.

how she loved to have Her warm body next to her. their feet intertwined like roots of old, old trees - unlike this, unlike them. her feet seeked warmth from the moon king. but he did not gave any of his warm light.

so unlike Her.

she looked sadly at him, he was almost soft and smooth all over, rough patches can now only be seen from his knees down. the sadness crashed into her, washed her, broke her. only a little time left with him. like Her, he too will leave behind the goddess of rough things. and she will be alone. just like everyone else. she will be

alone.

her tears suddenly washed her rough face. rough and smooth can never go together, she told herself. that's why she cannot love Her. that's why in a few more moments the moon king will leave her. because she cannot do anything to them anymore. no more rough edges to soften and smoothen. no more rough surfaces to make beautiful.

i will only make you bleed. she told the back of the moon king, her tears raining constantly on her rough face. just like what i did with Her.

musing from the struggling "sublime" goddess # 3

the goddess of rough things

she realized that indeed, she was the goddess of rough things during her bus ride to cavite. it started with the old and rough coins. after a few seconds of holding it in her hands, in her palms, it turned shiny and smooth. a little confused, she stared at the coins marveling at the almost mirror-like quality of its surface.

finally it dawned at her.

why she has a rough face, rough hair, rough hands, rough love, because she is the goddess of rough things. every thing that she touch will turn out to be newer, shinier and of course smoother.

so that's it, the reason why i cannot love her. she said to herself.

musing from the struggling "sublime" goddess # 2

hindi kita iiwanan hanggat di pa sigurado na makakatayo ka na ng ayos. dito lang ako ha? aantayin kong dumating yung araw na kaya mo ng tumalon mag-isa.

ano pa ang silbi ng mga salitang tinanggalan naman na ng kaluluwa. alam mo bang alam ko naman na pagkasabi mo pa lang hindi na ito totoo? isa-isang lumabas ang salita sa iyong bibig, isa-isang tumakas ang tunay na ibig sabihin.

(hindi

kita

iiwanan

hanggat

di

pa

sigurado

na

makakatayo

ka

na

ng

ayos.

dito

lang

ako

ha?

aantayin

kong

dumating

yung

araw

na

kaya

mo

ng

tumalon

mag-isa.)

sana hindi mo na lang sinabi.

musing from the struggling "sublime" goddess # 1

LUNGKOT

Kadalasan, bigla na lang lalapit ang lungkot sayo at pipilitin kang pansinin siya.

(Tumingin ka sa akin.
Makinig ka sa sinasabi ko.
Hindi mo ako matatakasan.)

Ganito niya ako dinatnan, habang tumitingin sa mga naipong lumang litrato natin. Masaya pa ako nung una, natatawa sa mga alaalang dala-dala ng mga ito ng biglang siyang pumasok.

(Lungkot.)

Paalis na ‘ko next week.

Yun na lang ang natatandaan ko sa mga sinasabi mo nung gabing ‘yon. Ang mga detalye ay parang nalunod na sa utak kong naglalangoy sa alak. E ano? Dati ka pa naman umalis di ba? Dati ka pang nang-iwan. Yun talaga ang naiisip kong isigaw sa’yo. Pero napigilan ko ang aking sarili, tulad ng lagi kong ginagawa.

At umalis ka nga - na hindi ko man lang nasabi ang sakit na nararamdaman ko, na hindi ka man lang nayakap.

Yakap.
Ya-kap.

Kailan ba kita unang nayakap? Oo nga pala, nuong gabi ng Baccalaureate Mass. Naalala ko pa ang mahigpit at alangan na pagdampi ng ating mga katawan, nagsusumigaw sa mga damdaming hindi naman natin masabi sa isa’t-isa. At ikaw pa nga ang nauna. Nabigla pa ako dahil hindi ka naman gan’on. Hindi naman tayo gan’on. Kung nabigyan lang ako ng pagkakataon sasabihin ko din sana na napakadaming beses na na gusto kitang yakapin, pero hindi ko nagawa. Dahil takot ako sa’yo. Oo, sa loob ng halos apat na taon nating pagsasama, takot pa din ako sa’yo. Takot akong mapahiya sa harap mo. Takot akong masaktan mo. Pero higit sa lahat, takot akong iwanan mo ulit.

Hindi ko lang masabi, pero kung pinakinggan mo talaga, maririnig mo naman, kahit na kilo-kilometro pa ang layo natin sa isa’t-isa. Mas lalo pa siguro kung iilang dangkal lang, tulad nung huling salo-salo natin, lamesa lamang ang pagitan. Biglang nagtama ang maiilap nating mata at dagli ding kumaripas papalayo sa isa’t-isa. Hindi ko tuloy lubos maisip kung papaano tayo nagkaganito -

Magkalayo.
Lumalayo.
Malayo.
Layo.

Layo. Pabulong kong sinabi at nilapitan ka ng salita. Dumaan, dumulas, kumapit - sa daliri, sa labi, sa mata, sa tainga, sa puso. Isang salita na bumalot sa atin, pinigilan tayong huminga.

At sa pagal kong kalagayan, wala akong nagawa - hinayaan lang kitang umalis.

Kaya eto ako, nakakatunganga sa harap ng mga litrato, sinasamahan ng lungkot.

remembering home # 1

i've always been attached to trees, maybe because my memory of home was full of trees. manga, guyabano, avocado, kape, niyog, bayabas, kamias, kakawati, lanzones, paminta - wow sobrang dami pala ng mga puno sa paligid ng bahay namin! gustong-gusto ko 'yon, yung gigising ka na may mga ibon at mga kuliglig na kumakanta sa'yo. tapos matatanaw mo sa bintana mo na blue na blue yung langit tapos medyo mahangin. that's the best kind of weather - sunny but windy. ito yung perfect na panahon para tumambay sa duyan.

duyan - it was a rope thingy like. colored white, nakatali sa pagitan ng dalawang puno ng lanzones. pag umuulan nililipat namin yun sa may kamalig (another word for bodega) para di mabasa. i was the youngest in the family for eleven years, so nung nag simula ng mag-school si mel (yung ate ko na one year ahead sa'kin), i was often left alone. pagala-gala sa paligid ng bahay namin. making up stories and talking to myself hehehe. the trees were my company. they provided me with the attention i needed. i was such an ugly duckling before, and the trees were good to me (hehe bitter). they don't say anything, they just listen - listen intently and sincerely.

i've never been this attached to trees before. trees were just trees. pero after a typhoon earlier this year (not milenyo i swear) everything in my world shifted. it started when i opened our backdoor and two fallen avocado trees greeted me. damn those avocado trees. they were a very big part of my childhood. i remember looking up at the trees and the unreachable fruits hanging from it. avocado na may gatas na may asukal, the best. then it suddenly hit me. everything that reminded me of home, of childhood, of family, of love, is slowly being erased from the face of the planet, but most of all from my memory.

it really started there. tapos nagsimula ko ng mapansin yung mga bagay na nawawala. yung mga suso na lagi naming inaapakan nung bata pa kami, na tingin ko kami ang may kasalanan kung bakit ubos na 'yon. mga gumamelang pula, mga tutubi, yung type of shrub na ang dami sa paligid ng bahay namin dati, yung mga kakawati, yung mga tao.

kung totoong hindi maiiwasan ang pagbabago, kelangan bang mawala lahat para lang masabing may pagbabago? 'yon lang ba ang basehan? hindi naman sa ayaw ko ng changes, in fact change was good to me, is still good to me (in a way). i have nothing against it really. hindi ko lang maintindihan kung bakit kelangan talagang i-phase out lahat. every little thing that will remind you of the golden years that is the 80's. growing up during this period was a surreal experience. and when you look back at it, it is surreal. everything is painted with a yellow golden tint - at least for me. don't get fooled by what i'm saying, life was not that good for us back then. we have little money but we have lots of love hehehe. and the heck with money! life was simple. and now i can only wish to have that simple complete loving life again - it was easier to breathe, it was easier to sleep back then.

mama and sabyang - flying away!

sana pwede na isigaw na lang lahat ng gusto nating isulat, sabihin, iniisip, para isang pasada lang - tapos! di ba, para naman hindi na tayo pinahihirapan ng pag-iisip.

lately, hindi na ako nakakatulog sa gabi, kakaisip ata. i'll feel sleepy around ten or eleven kung makakatulog man ako, wala, around two or three i'll be wide awake. as in wide awake. futile na ang pagbabakasakaling makakatulog ako ulit. i don't want to say that i have insomnia, god sobrang gasgas na nun, besides this sleeping schedule works for me. pwede pang manuod ng mga gigs, kwentuhan, inuman, walang problema di ba? ehehe adik.

mama and sabyang's gone. they left last saturday - the dreaded day, i was emotional as always. i still feel sad now, i wish i've hugged sabyang before she left. that will be the last time i'll see her like that. next year when she comes back, she'll be taller, maybe fatter, more beautiful and english speaking na! i think i don't like that. pero ganun talaga. baka mag bago na siya. not the sweet little girl i like having around pag walang topak, the simpsons addict, the vegetable eater, the one who likes snakes verrry much, the one who likes having wilson around so she can do things i won't allow her to do. sabyang, wala pa sa picture ang daddy niya. that makes it worse.

mama. it's her first time to leave us behind. she'll be gone for three to four months. ano kayang mangyayari sa'min?

next time i'll write about my four homes. that's a promise aye mate?

after that bottle of evil tequila.

i rarely drink that's why i rarely get drunk. seeing me drunk is one of the most special condition you'll ever see me in. i always choose people whom i'll let myself get drunk with. it's bad to let some people not close to you see you in such a sorry state.

well last saturday night, we celebrated my friend's birthday. i've been staying there for the past two days already, just getting my clothes then returning there to loaf around. eat for free. watch tv. talk shit. but that saturday night was the most devastating state i've ever been in my whole twenty two years of existence. and i'm not planning on following it up - yet (hehe).

imagine, one big bottle of cuervo - three stinking people. eeeew. just thinking about it gives me a headache. i will never drink tequila again. no more. no. more.

anyway even if i did get wasted it was a really fun night. and crazy! i don't even want to think about some of the things i did. well i remember texting someone. then calling her. but i can't remember what i said, or am i just trying to forget what i said? maybe both haha! what i can remember clearly is that i was saying sorry. saying sorry again. for what? that's the big question about that. i always tell her i'm sorry, but i really don't know what i'm sorry for. what i forgot to tell her is that i miss her. yes, i really miss her. and maybe it's better that way, her not knowing it.

and here's the catch, my friends were saying that when i was talking on the phone, i was also holding the fucking microphone! ewan ko kung stir lang yun, pero what the fuck! it's very, very, VERY embarassing! the horror... and i can't remember what i'm blabbing about! after that phone call, i passed out. yep that was the first time that ever happened to me. well atleast it was a whole bottle of tequila. but though i was really, really wasted, i did not throw up! imagine peewee clogging up the bathroom sink (he's always like that anyway hehe), knowing that makes me prouder. i was never the throwing-up type of girl anyway.

hmmm around three am, i woke up, wilson and ja-ke (the two late comers, no more tequila for you two!) were still talking and imagine what i felt when i cannot move my whole body! e pucha naiihi pa naman ako! i really can't feel my body - i was numb all over. tsktsk... very scary. wilson helped me, but for the first few seconds he thought that i was just joking! naalpasan ako at ayun! diretso ako sa sahig! what wilson!? i told you i can't move my body! and ja-ke was laughing his head off, nagising daw ang clown. grrr... bad ka! magpapayat ka!

after that, i went back to sleep and woke up again around five. i was very thirsty, very, very thirsty. but no, no cold, COLD water. and i tried to sleep again, staring at the blueish sky and thinking about water and what i told her.

that surreal experience was shattered when my mother called wilson's phone at around one in the afternoon. turns out she was calling me but my phone was turned off (no batteries). she was screaming at me, okay not really screaming, but she was really angry! i forgot that it's my grandmother's death anniversary, and she's looking for me. so there i went home very fast, took a bath very fast, all the while trying to forget that my head is throbbing.

that's how i ended my day, praying the rosary for my lola. then going back home and sleeping very early. today, all is well. i think i can still feel my head throbbing, but i feel much much better now.

but i still forgot to tell her i miss her. and i'm not drinking tequila anymore.

i'm feeling bad again. gut feeling, i just know something is wrong. i hate this.

maghahanap na lang ako ng babaylan.

babaylan. the only one that can commune with the spirits, maybe with her help i can finally understand what i'm feeling. i just found out that there are still some existing babaylan. a friend of my brother told me. one lives in negros. so far. maybe one day i'll be able to go there and meet her.

next year, i'm planning to go to a place where my spirit has been calling me to go to for almost two years now. the place it seems is "mahiwaga". i have always felt that something is missing with me. maybe by going there, i will make myself complete. full circle. i'm talking shit. but now, i really don't care if nobody understands me. as long as i'm happy.

and i know, one day i'll be happy. it'll be the death of my stories but at least i'm not hurting anymore.

hmm, today is friday. thank god. my body is yearning to sleep for more than 3 hours. later, may tong-its night ulit kina ejot. this is what i've been waiting for for the past few days. ever since nakuha ko na yung dvd ko ng hopia express. hopia express is a film by my friend janus. i helped her with the production tapos nag-extra din ako. akalain mo yun! kabatuhang linya ko si mark anthony fernandez. hahaha!

still sooo early in the morning. sana mag-gabi na (wishful thinking).

i'm beginning to love nerisa again. i've been reading her (again) for the past few days. one super talented lady. you know her? nerisa del carmen guevara. poet. mermaid.

i'm talking shit.